That Really Chaps My Ass

Tagged

2005-07-16T19:45:00.000-04:00

TaggedI've been tagged by Kristiv for "what is on your bed stand."Lamp (with cat fur on the shade)Clock radioFlashlightRemote control for a VCRNewsweek magazineMy watch (which, come to think of it, I should wind before it stops running and I have to reset it)Pen (which I sometimes use, late at night, to try to draw anchor tattoos on my wife's arm)

Am I So Wrong?

2005-06-23T19:19:00.000-04:00

I really like it that Elizabeth Vargas has been anchoring ABC News in Peter Jennings' absence.Is that so wrong?

2005-03-18T20:03:00.000-05:00

My Dad the SlumlordI say that jokingly.My dad owns some houses he rents to people, and one family just moved out. So I'm headed to my dad's town for the weekend to help him get it ready to show to the next renters.I'm kinda looking forward to seeing him.

2005-03-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

Yet More Inlaw ExpressionsYou didn't ask for this, but open wide and take your medicine. Here are yet more true expressions from my inlaws, complete with translations. Warning: some are politically incorrect.You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up faster.Translation: You should work hard to get the results you want rather than merely wishing for them.Would I

2005-03-09T19:57:00.000-05:00

Every Pussy Has a CornerMy wife has some colorful expressions she learned from her mother.Many of them confuse me.For example, earlier today Mary was talking about assignments at her job, and she said, "Every pussy has a corner."Me: What does that mean, "Every pussy has a corner?Mary: It means everyone has a place.Me: Oh. But cats don't like corners. They prefer to sleep on furniture, which would

2005-03-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

Mailing ListsA couple of months ago I ordered a flashlight from a company that sells various sporting/camping/outdoors goods.I received the flashlight and was happy. But, over the next few weeks I began to receive the most bizarre array of catalogues for products I really don't have much interest in. For example, why would I need a welding helmet? Or farm machinery (just what are "disc harrows,"

2005-03-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

Early Morning Phone Calls and the Price of SoybeansOur phone rang at 5 a.m. today. Four times.We're not exactly sure who was calling, even though we have caller ID; it seems the caller tried to mask his number, was prompted to put one in, and proceeded to make up a gibberish number just to get through.Anyway, we couldn't get back to sleep after that, so we had to watch early morning television,

2005-03-05T10:38:00.000-05:00

Ringo Lives Next DoorOur neighbor likes to play the drums--at night, while I'm trying to read, wind down and go to sleep.It's loud, but not unbearably loud. It's just enough to be a little annoying.Why can't I have neighbors like...a group of stewardesses who are also nudists?

2005-02-27T19:35:00.000-05:00

To the Bank I Want to Spank: I Am Not That Guy Who Owes You MoneyIn my last entry I alluded to an annoying interaction I had with a bank. Here's the story.A couple of weeks ago I came home to find a message on my answering machine from a bank's "recovery" (e.i., bad debt, non-payer, deadbeat) department that was looking for someone with my last name, but a completely different first name.I called

2005-02-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

Where Does the Time Go?So many thinigs I need to do. I need to my taxes ON TIME this year. (I had to get an extension last year.) I would love to be extra responsible and get them done early this year, early enought to get a prompt refund, if we're due one, rather than file close to the deadline with millions of other Americans and have to wait longer for the money I'm due, (assuming I get a

2005-02-21T19:27:00.000-05:00

Mary T.'s Amen PewMary T. (a.k.a. The Half Mad Spinster) has particularly good post about fertility in your 30s. (Scroll down to "I'm Really Tired of This.")

2005-02-20T16:46:00.000-05:00

She Said No Mo' HomosI just read some disturbing news. Apparently the Episcopal priest who married us is facing disciplinary action from her bishop stemming from her opposition to his (our bishop's) vote in favor of acceptance of the gay bishop of New Hampshire.How exactly does/can a divorced woman, who prior to the mid-1970s wouldn't even be allowed to be a priest because of her gender, oppose a

2005-02-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

A Little Sick, But Not Too MuchI'm back from a blogging absence of a few days.Mary is MUCH better now that the worst of her flu has passed. I felt a little sick in the middle of the week, but it never developed into much more than an annoyance. Still, I had to sleep a lot.Folks, avoid that flu thing if you can. It ain't pretty.

2005-02-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

I Want to Lick the Backside of Marlene DietrichI saw a Marlene Dietrich stamp at the post office yesterday. I gotta get me some of those.

2005-02-14T18:59:00.000-05:00

I'm Not an al-Qaeda Cell, Part DeuxI few weeks ago I had a meeting in another (to be unnamed) city. On my drive home, I got confused and wound up taking the wrong exit, which put me going in the opposite direction on the Interstate.No problem, I thought. I'll just find a place to turn around.The closest place was a military base. I pulled up the guard shack, smiled, and explained to the soldier

2005-02-13T18:52:00.000-05:00

The Seventh SealDet Sjunde InsegletMary and I just watched The Seventh Seal, the classic 1950s Ingmar Bergman movie about a knight who returns from the Crusades to find the plague (and various superstitions) have taken over this homeland.Along the way he plays chess with Death.I'm trying to keep an open mind here, but this movie seemed like a mediocre university production--bad sets, cheesy lines

2005-02-11T23:30:00.000-05:00

Krankenschwester JeffI haven't been able to post since Tuesday 'cause Mary has the flu, so I've been Nurse Jeff.I took her to the doctor, who confirmed that, yes, Mary does have the flu. You can't cure it, but the doc did give her a prescription for some medicine that's supposed to make things at least bearable.Today's the first time since about Monday that she's been able to walk around, eat and

Boobzilla

2005-02-08T19:48:00.000-05:00

Boobzilla My wife just bent over the kitchen table to pick up some mail to read. In doing so, she knocked a glass of water onto the cat, who was sitting a chair next to the table. Well, specifically, it was her breasts that knocked over the glass, like a raging Boobzilla wrecking havoc on a tabletop Tokyo. (I have freakishly large feet, so I trample my share of stuff on the floor.)

2005-02-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

Sibling Rivalry Smackdown My last entry, about my wife's "emotional" adolescence, made me think about more stories involving her childhood relationship with her brother. Mary truly loves her brother and always has, and her relationship with him seems pretty typical. It' fascinating to me, though, because I was an only child and never had the experience of things such as sitting in the back of a

2005-02-03T16:31:00.000-05:00

Kung Fu Shoe Dinner with my inlaws is always interesting. It's like a visit to a foreign country; the customs are different, the language is hard to understand and the shared cultural experiences are bizarre to outsiders. Here's an example. A few weeks ago my father-in-law let slip a fragment of a story about my wife (then a teenager) attacking her brother with a high-heeled shoe. It seems she

2005-02-03T07:39:00.000-05:00

Fluffy Huffing There's nothing quite like watching a cat smell something he finds really interesting. For example, Tiger was just sniffing some roses I got my wife. He takes several deep huffs, then opens his mouth a little to savor the scent. He next looks over at me, his eyes narrowed and his three cat lips parted, like some kind of junkie. Oh, he does the same thing when he smells the

2005-01-30T19:30:00.000-05:00

Please Tell My Bank I'm Not an al-Qaeda Cell I went to my bank a few weeks ago to open a new checking account. What a pain in the ass, due largely to new national security measures. The last time I opened a checking account, it took about ten minutes and consisted of answering a few basic questions about my address, how to spell my name and the appearance of my checks. No so anymore. I

2005-01-29T23:35:00.000-05:00

Winter Sucks My car is coated in road salt, and I have to weave like a drunk driver to avoid the potholes on the road to the Interstate.

2005-01-28T18:07:00.000-05:00

Barbie Is a Lesbian, and She Lives With a Black Tranny I visited my 3-year-old niece recently, and she she showed me her Barbie dolls. Her mother explained to me that the tot called her black Barbie "Mr. Brown." I know nothing about kids, but I'm imaginining it's best not to question these things. If she wants the doll to be Mr. Brown, then Mr. Brown it is. But I still had to wonder, why "Mr.?"

2005-01-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

Institute for Spankological Studies I've been a shitload of hits from this site, which deals with the topic of corporal punishment (paddling, spanking, what have you). I think it's British, and it appears to be somewhat scholarly in its approach. Go to the site, and look for the American flag. Below that, look for "Paddles With Airholes Are More Aerodynamic." That links to a 2001 entry from my

2005-01-26T19:43:00.000-05:00

Everybody Loves the Michigan Rag If you're interested in a good blog, read about Natalie. She's from Texas, and she followed her boyfriend to the Detroit area. Now she's facing a Michigan winter, boyfriend issues, job issues and such. My family lived in Texas for about a year when I was a kid, and I know several people from Michigan, so I can see both sides of her location issue. P.S. If you

2005-01-26T17:11:00.000-05:00

Selling Anything to Anybody Okay, I have a e-mail address, chapsymyass@fuse.net, that I use ONLY for this site. Software robots out there troll the Web for addresses, and guess who gets e-mail for all kinds of services? Here's one example: "How to improve your life Chapsmyass." The e-mail offers a bachelor's degree in two week' with no studying. So, will my diploma read, The Board of

2005-01-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

I'm Back Lots of stuff to report, most of it less than ideal. When I last blogged, I had a summer job at a law firm and was looking forward to a second year in law school.T hat's on hold for now. My wife's teaching position was grant-funded, and therefore not part of her former school's ongoing locally funded budget. The money ran short, and her job got cut. Summer turned in late summer, most

2004-07-18T19:47:00.000-04:00

Oops, I Did It Again I have a bad habbit of eating whatever I find in the refrigerator. I'm getting better about it, I swear. But occasionally I lapse into my old ways. For example, this morning I found a package of bratwurst that had been in the regfrigerator for at least a month. According to the package, it had a week to go before it was officially "expired." I cooked it and ate it. Time

2004-07-18T19:25:00.000-04:00

It's Called "Technology" Earlier today I pulled up to a gas pump to fill my car. A woman two pumps away said, "Sir, they're closed. There's no one inside." I held up my credit card, smiled, and put it in the card reader in the pump. "Sire, they're closed," the woman said again, this time more urgently. I smiled again, pulled my card out of the pump, and said, "But if you pay at the pump,

2004-07-17T09:29:00.000-04:00

Bastille Day! (Albeit three days late.) I usually try to observe Bastille Day in some fashion, such as flying my tricouleur from the flagpole attached to our house. This year I plain forgot. Yeah, France is still not the most popular country in America these days, but I prefer to look past the politcal differences and remember the French family I lived with in my semester abroad in

2004-07-05T22:27:00.000-04:00

Mary Pix Mary Outside Mary Inside

2004-07-03T20:04:00.000-04:00

Wisdom You don't know shit from:

2004-07-03T10:54:00.000-04:00

PMS is Not A-OK My wife's come to the determination that she suffers from PMS. I'm inclined to agree. What are your thoughts on PMS? I believe PMS is: A bunch of hooey. A real, medically documented condition. The work of demons. Invented by drug companies to sell more Midol and Prozac. Another attempt by "the man" to keep womyn down. The original

2004-06-30T20:35:00.000-04:00

Don't Feed Your Cat Italian Food It could lead to rapid-fire puking. Believe me. (We didn't give it to to him; he just jumped on the table and licked it up before we knew what he was doing.)

2004-06-17T22:56:00.000-04:00

Weird Stuff I Saw on the Streets of Cincinnati in the Last Two Weeks 1. A guy wearing white tube socks, with his jeans stuffed into the socks. 2. Two cops on bikes made a woman drinking from a paper bag empty the contents of her bottle. 3. Fearless mega-pigeons

2004-06-14T22:34:00.000-04:00

I Got a Job at a Law Firm (And they haven't fired me yet.) The firm represents banks foreclosing on properties whose owners haven't paid their mortgages. Sad business, but somebody has to do it. I'm glad for the experience and the pay.

2004-05-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

Cincinnati Asks Cops Show to Leave The Cincinnati police department invited Cops to ride along with its police officers and tape what happens for potential broadcast. Then, city council became "concerned" about how the city would be portrayed. Huh?! Cops is pro-prolice, pro-city, pro-law-and-order. Why would any city have a problem with the show? Each segment follows a predictable pattern. A

2004-05-28T22:59:00.000-04:00

Andy Speaks Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes usually chaps my ass. He comes off as a cranky old man who's unhappy about pretty much everything. But he did have an especially good commentary last Sunday. Here it is: CBS) The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by CBS News Correspondent Andy Rooney. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you were

2004-05-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Cats Eat Fruit My name is Samson, and I eat cantaloupe.

2004-05-23T10:49:00.000-04:00

Chapped Ass Irises From our front yard.

2004-05-13T18:06:00.000-04:00

Heart of Darkness From the book by Joseph Conrad, which was also the inspiration for the movie Apocalypse Now. "Think of a decent young citizen...coming out here.... Land in a swamp, march through the woods, and in some inland post feel the savagery, the utter savagery, had closed in around him--all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs...in the hearts of wild men. There's no

2004-05-12T22:55:00.000-04:00

Relaxation! It's strange to not have the CONSTANT pressure to study. I hardly know what to do with myself in the evenings, which was my usual time for reading cases. On another topic, just why the hell are gas prices so high? And why did we allow ourselves to become so addicted to oil?

2004-05-07T19:41:00.000-04:00

Final Exams Where have I been? Well, I've spent the middle of April through now studying for, and taking, final exams. I had my last exam today, and I am SO tired. Brain fried. Here's my favorite comment of the week. A classmate got on the elevator with me, and she said, "It smells like unwashed law students in here." I wondered if she were referring to us, the elevator or both.

2004-04-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

What the Hell?

2004-04-10T11:43:00.000-04:00

The Cat's Out of the Bag Tiger's sitting on my school bag.

2004-04-01T00:28:00.000-05:00

I Stole This from the Anglophile Would you rather: 1. Find out your best friend is selling secrets to terrorists OR find out they download child pornography? I'd rather know if they were selling porn to terrorists. 2. Pluck out all your nose hairs with tweezers OR shave (face or legs) with an old, rusty blade? Both. Pain nourishes me. 3. The official language of the united nations become

2004-03-31T22:25:00.000-05:00

Fook, Shite, Tossers If you haven't seen the movie The Commitments, you really should. And if you're not from Ireland, you'll find yourself asking, are they speaking English? Yes. Yes, they are.

2004-03-31T00:34:00.000-05:00

George Bush's Viking-Helmet-Wearing Head on a Woman's Body

2004-03-28T00:49:00.000-05:00

Barristers' Ball The Barristers' Ball (law school prom) was last night. Here's a pic of Mary and me.

2004-03-25T00:31:00.000-05:00

Stupid Shit I Did Today 1. I accidentally locked one of the cats in the bedroom this morning, where he remained (without access to a litterbox) for the next five hours. 2. I think I forgot to use deodarant.

2004-03-24T00:39:00.000-05:00

To Whom It May Concern I am NOT in interesting in receiving further e-mails about how I can get cheap Viagra, Cialis or anything else that will help me achieve an erection. Please remove me from your mailing list, 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED A ZILLION E-MAILS FROM YOU EACH FREAKIN' DAY. Thank you.

2004-03-22T17:06:00.000-05:00

Women Were Designed for Homaking..According to This Site I swiped this link from Ric, who obviously doesn't actually believe this stuff. "2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking" Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making

2004-03-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

An Actual Law Case (Stupid Motherfucker) THOMAS B. REINHART, JR., Plaintiff, v. CHARLES E. SHANER and CITY OF MONTGOMERY, Defendants. CIVIL ACTION NO. 02-T-1315-N UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE MIDDLE DISTRICT OF ALABAMA, NORTHERN DIVISION February 9, 2004, Decided …Reinhart does present some evidence which might show that Shaner viewed him as limited in the major-life activity

2004-03-12T01:28:00.000-05:00

Overheard Female fellow student telling male fellow student about noisy neighbors in her apartment: "At 3 a.m. this morning I heard the woman upstairs scream, 'YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!'" Male fellow student replies, "Sounds like she was taking it up the ass."

2004-03-06T00:51:00.000-05:00

Weapons of Claw Destruction LITTERBOX COMMAND CENTER--Gen. Tiger Cat announced today forces under his command discovered a cache of Weapons of Claw Destruction (WCDs) in a drawer previously accessible only to humans. "We found at least two claw clippers as well as unconventional cat hygiene products such as cat toothpaste, shampoo and hairball remover," said Cat. The items will be rendered

2004-03-04T01:03:00.000-05:00

Naughty Thoughts and the News Over the last two or three or years I've developed a "less-than-chaste" interest in certain female television journalists, such as Elizabeth Vargas. I guess it's because as I've gotten well into my 30s, I watch more news. Then I got to wondering. What if my, um, "admiration" for Elizabeth and her female colleagues got transferred to the news itself, such that

2004-03-01T00:07:00.000-05:00

OUCH! Tiger the cat generally sits (and sleeps) next to me in my Comfy Chair while I'm studying. He was dozing comfortably just now, until he started having a bad dream, which involved a good deal of twitching and grunting. I wondered what he was dreaming about...being chased by a dog, maybe? We've all had bad dreams, and generally it's a great relief to wake up and discover nothing's wrong.

2004-02-23T23:57:00.000-05:00

Ferrets Are Better than Cats? This guy needs to get over his problem with cats. A few excerpts: "I've seen a lot of cats, and they're just not interesting enough for me to hate." "I mean, really, what do cats do? They sit around and sleep a lot. They walk around the house with no apparent purpose. When they want something, they'll try to get you to feed them. And when they get so amazingly

2004-02-21T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sedative Damned antihistamine I took this morning made me fall asleep in the afternoon. (I'm fighting off the tail end of a cold.) Now I'm gonna be up all night.

2004-02-20T00:43:00.000-05:00

Why? Why do television commercials for local car dealers always seem to feature attractive young spokeswomen? Why do television commercials for local furniture stores always seem to feature old guy spokesmen? Why do billboards advertising personal injury lawyers always seem to feature an accident victim in a neckbrace? And they all use the same line: "Injured? Call xxx-xxxx."

2004-02-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

My Mother-in-Law v. My Neighbor's Car My mother-in-law came up for a one-day visit to do some shopping with my wife. Of course, this involves driving to the mall, and comedy ensues: Wacky Inlaw Incident No. 1 As she was backing her car out of our driveway, my m-in-l hit a neighbor's car parked on the street. No damage to m-in-l's Panzerfunwagen Mercedes, but the neighbor's car now has a

2004-02-14T01:53:00.000-05:00

Cartoon Soy Sauce Music Video I can't really describe this. You have to see it for yourself. It appears to be an advertisement for soy sauce, but it also presents: 1. A superhero character with a fish for a head. 2. A dog? cat? rabbit? who is later hanged. Maybe he used a competing brand of soy sauce. 3. The superhero in bed with a woman. 4. Frequent appearances of red nipple-like things. 5.

2004-02-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

"The Semenator" Today in class I had to discuss a rather uncomfortable case. But first, here's how law school works. The professor calls out a student's name. That student has to stand and discuss a case for anywhere from 15 minutes to half an hour in front of the whole class of 100 or so students. Then the professor asks the student questions. The whole idea is to make the student being

2004-02-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

Refrigerator Food Must Go I'm not sure how long the food in the refrigerator was in the "danger zone" before I moved it outside, where in theory it should be just fine. The outdoor temperature hovers around freezing. But I've recently experienced some "digestive" problems that make me want to play it safe and toss all that food. Damn, I had some nice steaks in there, too. I guess there's

2004-02-06T19:38:00.000-05:00

Refrigerator Meltdown! Our refrigerator decided to quit working yesterday. Dammit, it's only four years old, too. Now the ice is slowly melting and dripping from the freezer. And the repair guy can't get here for another four days. Fortunately, it's still pretty cold outside, so our deck will have to be our refrigerator for a few days.

2004-02-01T00:21:00.000-05:00

How to Change a Tire on Your Wife's Car 1. Wife tells you tire has gone flat and asks you to put on spare. 2. It's Saturday morning, so attempt to wake up. 3. It's also several degrees below freezing, so put on two pairs of socks, long underwear, pants, two shirts, hat, coat, gloves and boots. 4. Phone rings. Wife answers it. 5. Wife tells you not to change tire after all. Road service company

2004-01-27T23:48:00.000-05:00

Snow! Past Our Back Yard and a View of the Farm Beyond It That black building in the center, off in the distance, is a barn. Barns in Kentucky are usually painted black. I believe it's because black is supposed to draw and hold heat needed to help dry harvested tobacco. The Chapped Ass Herb Garden (In Hibernation) This is a retired whisky barrel cut in half. We have a lot of distilleries in

2004-01-26T22:49:00.000-05:00

Avoiding Enforcement of a Contract Because of Minority Age 1. Minor/Infant—under age 18 now, used to be under 21 at common law Restatement (2nd) of Contracts §14 Infants Unless a statute provides otherwise, a natural person has the capacity to incur only voidable contractual duties until the beginning of the day before person’s 18th birthday. a. Majority rule—allows infant to disavow contract

2004-01-24T10:38:00.000-05:00

January Is for Birthdays My wife's birthday is today. Mary Others with January birthdays include Kristin and Lilly Wonka. And, of course, me.

2004-01-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

I'm a Slutty Barbie Swiped from Lilly Wonka. You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you'rereally cheesy! Have fun with the entirefootball team. If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla

2004-01-18T01:26:00.000-05:00

The Filth and the Fury I seem to be having a punk flashback. The Sex Pistols And who could forget the American version of the Sex Pistols, The Dead Kennedys. The Dead Kennedys Interesting that if you listen carefully to Dead Kennedys lyrics, they're like something you're hear in church. Only with a punk vocabulary. E.g., violence is bad ("Nazi Punks Fuck Off"). Avoid abuse of power. ("

2004-01-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

Cashier Comedy Every now and then I eat lunch at the campus cafeteria. Actually, it's not really a cafeteria. It's more like a food court a mall, with different fast food places. By the time I get there, pretty much everything is closed except Chick Fil-A. I've had A LOT of Chick Fil-A. Anyway, there's a limited variety of interchanges I have with the cashier, and they usually involve one or

2004-01-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

WWF (World Wrestling Felines) Samson and Tiger decided to have a wrestling match at the end of the bed--resulting in Samson falling off. It's a long drop. (We have an old-fashioned bed that sits up high.) Samson was stunned for a minute. Not injured, but it was a Loss of Cat Dignity.

2004-01-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

Damn, It's Cold And now my wife and I trying to fight off sore throats. I've never been much of a fan of January.

2004-01-10T00:38:00.000-05:00

I'll Take Mine Gamey, Please Earlier today I gave the cats fresh food and water. Samson wanted neither. Instead, he decided to lick some remnants of yesterday's meal on the mat under his bowl. The old food had dissolved into the consistency of oatmeal, because Tiger likes to use his paw to rake water around the feeding area. Blech.

2004-01-07T21:03:00.000-05:00

Mary's Sharpton Suit My wife has taken to wearing around the house a red velour sweatsuit-type outfit she calls her "Sharpton Suit," as in the kind of clothing the Rev. Al Sharpton used to wear before he started dressing more conservatively. This suit looks like it was made from the upholstery of a 1972 El Dorado, the classic pimpmobile. "How would you feel if your Sharpton Suit were to

2004-01-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Skoolastic Kountdown Only five more days until I return to school. Gotta go get my reading assignments tomorrow.

2004-01-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

Ouch I had a splitting headache most of yesterday. During a brief abatement in the pain I went to the hardware store to get some glue. (It was on my list of things to do.) The store had a display of ridiculously large hammers. I looked at one and imagined the effect it would have on my headache. Hammer. Head. Headache cure? Of course, flogging my noggin with a hammer would cause far more

2004-01-03T19:06:00.000-05:00

Rate My Kitten.Com Because sometimes you just want to look at pictures of cats. Visit the site.

2004-01-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

Cough, Sneeze, Wheeze! Whew, this Web site is dusty from lack of use. So, where have I been since August? Well, I've been busy damaging the reputation of my region's law school with my mere presence, and I've had very little time for blogging. A few thoughts about law school: Ever seen or heard of that early 1970s movie The Paper Chase? It's about a first-year student from Minnesota and his

2003-08-21T22:03:00.000-04:00

Speedy My wife got a speeding ticket yesterday for going something like 22 mph over the limit. That got her a fine of somewhere around $100, plus enough points on her license that if she gets another ticket like that one, she'll get her license revoked. Unless she goes to traffic school. Traffic school. Hmm. I've been there twice myself. A roomfull of adults of who desperately want to be

2003-08-14T23:54:00.000-04:00

Living Life Wow, has it been THAT long since I posted anything? Sure, I've had school assignments to do, but that hasn't taken up all my time. Lately, I've been helping my wife set up her elementary school classroom and am preparing to stain our deck. How hard is staining a deck? Not very. But the last time I did it, and you need to do it once every three years or so, I managed to drip

2003-07-29T16:46:00.000-04:00

Today's Term All right, kids. Our word for today is: ejusdem generis (eh-youse-dem generous) v adj. Latin for "of the same kind," used to interpret loosely written statutes. Where a law lists specific classes of persons or things and then refers to them in general, the general statements only apply to the same kind of persons or things specifically listed. Example: if a law refers to

2003-07-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

Back to School I attended my first law class today. Actually, it's an optional two-week end-of-summer course. Law school proper begins in early August. I finished undergraduate school 13 years ago--long enough for me to be paranoid that I forgot how to be a student. So I'm taking advantage of this optional course. Today's topic was torts--specifically, assault and battery charges brought in

2003-07-16T09:49:00.000-04:00

Intruder! Early this morning I heard my wife shout, "Jeff!" I paused for a few seconds, trying to determine what was happening. I'm ususually very disoriented when I wake up. "There's a cat in the house!" Mary explained. "So?" I thought. "There are usually three cats in the house." It seems my wife opened our back door to do something with the plants outside, and one of the neighborhood

2003-07-14T21:42:00.000-04:00

Bastille Day Happy Bastille Day!

2003-07-10T18:14:00.000-04:00

Underwear Chest Earlier this week my mother-in-law brought nice gift for my wife: a cherry underwear drawer. I guess you'd call it a "lingerie chest." The chest is tall (nearly as tall as my wife) but very narrow. I guess that makes it floor-space efficient, like a high-rise office building, but I'm wondering if Mary will need a stool to get to the top drawer. The two women also went to

2003-07-09T17:39:00.000-04:00

Comments Dang it, my comments option is screwed up. Gotta fix that.

2003-07-07T04:13:00.000-04:00

The Smartass Urge Years of working in the advertising/PR/"creative-people" business has turned me into a nearly incurable smartass. I mean, you try going a full workday in that environment, and you'll find yourself making frequent ironic comments about topics such as "rich, Corinthian leather," "chocolatey goodness," and "prices so low, we must be INSANE!" too. I'll need to work on controlling

2003-07-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

4th of July "What better way to celebrate the independence of your country than by blowing up a small part of it?" --Indian convenience store clerk on the Simpsons, commenting on Homer's desire to purchase illegal fireworks "Hi, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable

2003-07-03T03:29:00.000-04:00

Bad Hair Day A few days ago I got the bright idea that I'd try cutting my own hair. Why? Well, it was time to get it cut, and the place where I usually go requires scheduling an appointment several days in advance. And even when I do show up at the right time, they generally wind up taking me 10 minutes late. My plan was this: I'd cut it myself, and if I botched it, I could always confess my

2003-07-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

If I Had a Hammer... Over the weekend I saw my wife sitting on the floor and tapping something with a hammer. "Whatcha' doin'?" I asked. "Fixing my glasses," She answered. "With a hammer?" "Yeah. I need to make sure the hinge screw stays in place." "With a hammer?" I repeated. I suggested she use the set of tiny screwdrivers we keep in a drawer, but she was determined to use the hammer.

2003-06-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

I'm Going to Law School Yes, they lowered their standards enough to let me in. ;-) I've thought about graduate school for a while, and gradually developed an interest in law. I'm seeing a lot of parallels with the advertising/pr/marketing agency work I've done the past few years, so I don't see it as a drastic change in career/life direction. Student loans rates are incredibly low and we won't

2003-06-25T15:31:00.001-04:00

The $900 Bag of Cat Food About two weeks ago, our cats were getting low on cat food, so Mary and I decided to drive to the local pet store to buy more. We've had a rough winter, and the roads have LOTS of potholes. Well, we hit one on the way to the pet store. A big one that damaged the tire, causing a slow leak. The tire was flat within a few hours, I put on the Tiny Spare ("God bless us,

2003-06-25T15:31:00.000-04:00

Dreams of Bad Haircuts I did two things yesterday evening: 1. Got a haircut 2. Visited the Mullets Galore Web site. Mullets Galore examines the phenomenon of the the "mullet" haircut. You know, "business in the front, party in the back." The "ape drape." Etc. Anyway, last night I dreamed I got home and looked in the mirror, only to discover I HAD A MULLET! I took a pair of dream scissors and

2003-06-24T18:17:00.000-04:00

Smog Alert Damn, it's hot. So hot and so humid that Cincinnati has declared a "smog alert." Declaring a smog alert doesn't actually do much, other than that the authorities urge you to not mow your lawn and avoid driving during the heat of the day, when the sun cooks pollution into a nasty mess. Whether average citizens obey the warning is debatable. If we don't improve the air quality, we

2003-06-19T03:56:00.000-04:00

Cracked Mirror Dammit. I was backing my car into the garage today...and hit the passenger side mirror of my car on the wall. Like most car mirrors, it's designed to bend. But not the extreme it needed to avoid breaking in my case. Now I have a cracked plastic mirror casing and a spider web pattern on the mirror itself.

2003-06-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

Saddam Hussein Drives a Chrysler I saw a guy who looks just like him driving across a parking lot yesterday.

2003-06-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

All Lawyered Up Late last week I went to a bar association conference with my mother-in-law. I'm not a lawyer. She is. Anyway, they had some seminars dealing with media issues, which overlaps with what I claim to do for a living: PR. Also, the national PR society requires me to rack up some continuing education credits. Bar association conference plus being a guest of my m-in-l equals Jeff